‘Ambition Monster’, is a memoir from Jennifer Romolini. I read it when it first came out and re-red it recently. If you work with me, I might have recommended it to you. This is a book that stayed with me; her first hand account of the ways her childhood trauma showed up in her adulthood mirror so much of my own experience in my early adulthood and echo what I see and treat in clients throughout the clinical work I do. And I see so much of this response in my colleagues, both therapist and nurses, and corporate and capitalist culture. Over-compensation in all its manifestations is rewarded. When I notice myself fall back into some trauma responses, thanks to Jennifer's book, I now have a name to use, a short hand to remind myself that the “ambition monster” needs some love and care. I need to address how I am feeling about myself.
This is a memoir of a girl who experienced abuse and trauma in her home growing up, who then, like many children, look for faults in their own behavior to explain what happened to them. To hold the locus of fault in themself in order to stay connected to their adult caregivers, their attachment figures, for survival. The very ones who harmed and hurt them.
This self-blame serves different protective functions: 1) provides them a sense of control and safety when otherwise they feel little to none. Like a rally cry: ‘I can fix my behaviour! If I just do this, dad wont do or say this mean thing. If I try harder, maybe then I will get praised, then I’ll be good enough” ; 2) to stay safe through maintaining the connection because as small children we literally depend on adults to survive and cant risk rupture and abandonment if we locate the fault in them; 3) gives power and agency. “Im bad so I brought this onto myself AND I alone can fix this”
While self blame is protective, it's also deeply damaging as “being bad becomes fundamental to the child's identity". The child is bad, who they are is bad. This is chronic shame. To mitigate this feeling of badness or wrongness, people with childhood trauma “over compensate with what we think of as good”. If not already present in childhood or adolescents, as adults this becomes perfectionism, high achieving adults, professional success and endless striving.
“All the accompanying accolades, external validation become a space to hide in, to feel good”. Really as a way to also survive, the only way shame knows how to temporarily not feel bad. but external validation and praise is short lived, perfectionism is exhausting and then you have to chase the next and the next and the next…..until you burn out, get sick, have kids, retire and then maybe it all hits you that you can no longer over compensate. that you no longer want to.
This is Jennifer's story through corporate America as an adult living with childhood trauma and the accompanying symptoms that mask the pain and keep her in the pain, all while trying her best to survive. This is her story of how she moved into conscious awareness of her past and present, the hard and long work of trauma healing and trying to thrive. She also has a podcast. I cant recommend this book enough!